Apropos of Nothing
by Sean Gaffney
Summary: While the core Scoobies are off staking vamps, Anya and Tara talk about their lives. Takes place after Family.


Apropos of Nothing  
  
All Buffy disclaimers apply. I don't own any of this. ^_^  
  
  
Anya stood by the Scoobies' table, waiting for... well, for Scoobies. They were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago, and Anya didn't really feel like sitting at the table all by herself and being bait for all the male losers in the club. She was alternating between thinking up various ways to berate Xander when he finally did arrive and dreaming about the ways he would make it up to her later.  
  
"Um... hi, Anya."  
  
Anya turned, her shoulders slumping a bit. "You aren't Xander."  
  
Tara smiled shyly. "Um... no. The others sent me... um, there was some big evil thing that came up. They had to go deal with it."  
  
Anya sat back at the table, frustrated. "God, this place irritates me. Everyday there's *some* new thing that just has to come along and drag Xander away. Why can't they go be evil somewhere else?" She looked up, lip curling petulantly. "So why are *you* here? Shouldn't you and Willow be off creating big magic portals of safety?"  
  
Tara looked down at her shoes. "Well, this was more of a 'hit it until it goes away' thing rather than a 'stop it by magical means' type of thing. And Willow's better at the whole violence thing than I am. Besides, someone had to come tell you. Xander really wanted you to know."  
  
Anya smiled. "He knows what's good for him." The smile then softened, and Tara sat down next to her, noting Anya's far-away look.  
  
"You... you really love Xander, don't you?"  
  
The look vanished instantly. "Why do you ask? You can't have him. Xander's mine."  
  
Tara held up her hands. "No, I w-wasn't suggesting anything. I was just making an observation." She coloured.  
  
"Oh." Anya paused. "Well, nobody ever really asks me about Xander, really. They all just know naturally, I guess."  
  
Tara was surprised. "They never talk to you? I thought you were part of the gang? Before me, I mean."  
  
Anya shrugged. "It's the whole ex-demon thing. At first they thought that I would just take the first chance I could get to get my powers back and leave... which was more or less true. Now I'm pretty sure they all I think I keep Xander around to use as some life-sized dildo with comedic quip attachment."  
  
Tara turned red. "I... um..."  
  
Anya stared at her. "You do get embarrassed easily. What is it? You know that Xander and I have sex, right? Nightly. Sometimes more than that."  
  
Tara nodded quickly. "Um... most people t-try not to say that out loud all the time."  
  
Anya frowned. "Yeah, I know. I get that with Xander a lot. 'There's a time and a place' and all that. I don't know why he's so upset about it. I can see if I were going around announcing how I'm not satisfied, but Xander's a great lover. I have lots of orgasms with him. Why be ashamed?"  
  
Tara wondered if she could get away with simply crawling under the table. Probably not. It was her own fault for bringing it up, anyway. "It's good to hear that you're happy."  
  
Anya cocked an eyebrow. "Wait a minute. Don't tell me *you* haven't... I mean, I know you two are girlfriends, but don't tell me you've never..."  
  
Tara decided the only way to stop Anya blurting something out was to answer her question quickly. "Yes. Yes, we have. But, um, we're a little more discreet about it all."  
  
"OK. How is Willow, by the way?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've had both male and female lovers as a demon, so you can tell me. Does she satisfy you?"  
  
"Anya!" Tara squeaked.  
  
"What? We're bonding here. Isn't this what people do when they bond?"  
  
Tara had to think. On the one hand, extended conversation with Anya might actually cause her to explode from humiliation. On the other hand, this was something she'd been wanting to do for a long time now. She still didn't feel part of Willow's group of friends, partly because every time she saw them it was as an extension of Willow. She wanted to start finding out more about them, talking with them in a non-Willow environment. And Anya, being a fellow girlfriend-of-Scooby and fairly new herself, was probably the best place to start.  
  
She was still beet red, however.  
  
"L-Let me get some drinks, OK? For both of us. Then I can answer you, I promise."  
  
Anya looked a little suspicious, but nodded. "All right. Do you want my fake ID?"  
  
"I was thinking more Coke sort of drinks."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. You and the bartender. Fine, we'll go with Coke." There didn't seem to be any real anger behind the words. Tara was starting to learn not to read anything into Anya's words, because nine times out of ten they were exactly what they sounded like.  
  
After returning with their drinks, Tara tried to find a way to talk about a subject she never talked about with anyone else but Willow. She decided that if she kept her voice down, with the Bronze being as crowded as it was, she might be able to get away with honesty.  
  
She leaned over towards Anya. "What were you saying?"  
  
Anya sipped her Coke. "Forget it. I actually want this conversation to continue, and if I start asking how many orgasms you get from Willow a night, you'll just clam up."  
  
Tara managed to stop her blush by listening to the first part of Anya's sentence. "You want to keep talking?"  
  
"Sure. I mean, none of the others really talk to me, like I said. And it's not as if I'm going to be seeing Xander anytime soon. So why not talk?" She looked away, as if unsure what to say next. "Um... thank you for asking."  
  
Tara smiled. "You're welcome."  
  
Anya frowned. "So what do we talk about?"  
  
Tara thought for a moment. "Well, how did you meet Xander? I... Willow told me you were some sort of demon, but they never went into any details."  
  
"Oh. OK, I can talk about that. Well, I was a vengeance demon. I spent my time listening for the cries of scorned women, and granting them their chance to get revenge against those who had wronged them. Most of whom were men."  
  
Tara nodded. "Things like boils, or impotence?"  
  
"Sometimes. Most of them were far more creative, though."  
  
"How did you get to be a demon? Were... did someone create you?"  
  
Anya's face got serious. "No. I was mortal once, about 1100 years ago. I was married to a wonderful man, and we had two beautiful children. My life couldn't be any happier. Then I came home one day to find him screwing the milkmaid."  
  
Tara's mouth fell open. "That's awful."  
  
"I ran out of there, and basically went nuts for a few weeks. I started looking into spells of vengeance... nothing very big, just things that would make my one true love suffer for all eternity. That was when D'Hoffryn found me." She saw Tara's puzzled frown. "He's a higher-level demon... think of him as a sort of demon temp agency. He fills vacancies... and at the moment, there was a big vacancy in v vengeance."  
  
"You agreed to become a demon?"  
  
Anya nodded. "At the time, it seemed ideal. He was offering me a chance to get revenge on the man I loved who had twisted it into something ugly. I didn't even think twice."  
  
"But what about your children?"  
  
Anya's face clouded even further. "Tara, once I was a demon, I never even thought twice about them. Demons aren't human. And now that I'm human again... I try not to think about them either."  
  
Tara decided that Anya really didn't want to get into this any further. "So how did this end up getting you to meet Xander?"  
  
"I was called to Sunnydale to grant the wish of a scorned woman who Xander had been dating. Unfortunately, the wish went haywire, and I ended up losing all my powers. Not only mortal, but mortal and *here*. I was not a happy camper, I can tell you."  
  
"If Xander was the man who you were supposed to be calling vengeance down... how did you end up with him?"  
  
"Oh, he wasn't that bad. It was just a kiss. Besides, I've learned to hate males as a species, not individually. It just takes up too much of your time." Anya was looking a little shifty, and Tara was surprised to find that she wasn't telling her the whole truth.  
  
"Anya? Can I ask you something personal?"  
  
Anya blinked. "Why not? I ask people personal things all the time."  
  
"When did you realise that you loved Xander?"  
  
"Ah. You mean personal as in emotions." Anya looked shifty again, then sighed. "I wish I knew. I know I love him now. At least I think I do. After 1100 years of vengeance, you start to lose a lot of the little things you had when you were mortal. For a while I thought all the feelings I had for Xander were just gas or something."  
  
Tara smiled. "It's not just being an ex-demon. Love is something that everyone has to figure out."  
  
Anya grinned. "Nice to know I'm not just retarded. Anyway, I came back to Sunnydale last year because I couldn't get Xander out of my mind. We'd dated, before the whole end-of-world-Anya-saves-her- precious-skin thing, but I thought that was it. Then I started dreaming about him, and imagining us having sex. He wouldn't leave."  
  
"So you came back to confess your love?"  
  
Anya smirked. "That came a lot later. I came back convinced that I needed to have sex with Xander in order to get him out of my mind."  
  
Tara smiled back. "I bet that didn't work."  
  
"Not a bit. I was thinking about him more than ever. And even worse, I was thinking about being without him. It made me unhappy. I really hated that feeling."  
  
Tara shivered. "I know," she said quietly. "I felt the same way when Oz came back."  
  
"That was a really unpleasant time," Anya recalled. "Everyone wasn't talking to everyone else. I was the only one who bothered to say anything." Then she thought of something. "Say, had you two done anything before he got back? I mean, sexually."  
  
Tara blushed again, but was starting to get used to this sort of thing. "N-no, we hadn't. But the night he left... that was our first. I mean, we knew before then, but it was uncomfortable. I'm not like you, Anya, I can't just say what I think."  
  
"So then how did you know when you loved Willow?"  
  
Tara looked down. "I think I knew from the moment I saw her."  
  
Anya grinned. "Wow, that must have saved a lot of time. Did she feel the same?"  
  
Tara shrugged. "I didn't think so... not then. I really wasn't sure how Willow felt for a while. But after we... after we talked, she said that she had felt the bond between us even then. She hadn't thought of it as love, but she thinks it was now."  
  
"And what do you think?"  
  
Tara sighed. "I think she's being a little nice. I mean, she only met me a couple months after breaking up with Oz. I think it was still too jagged in there - you know, Willow country."  
  
"Ah well. Girl certainly loves you now. You should see the looks you two get on your faces. It's like the rest of us just vanish into some big hole, and it's just you."  
  
Tara felt a big grin coming to her face. "Thanks."  
  
Anya smiled. "It's true."  
  
"Well, you look the same sometimes. I mean, sometimes I see you looking at Xander, when he's in conference with the others, and it's like you become someone else. And I don't mean lust."  
  
This seemed to make the other girl uncomfortable. She squirmed in her seat. "I like what Xander and I have. I want it to last forever. I just..."  
  
Tara frowned. "What's the matter?"  
  
Anya sat back. "Do you remember when they all had the big fight? Right before they killed Adam?"  
  
"Oh God, I try to forget it. We ended up in Mr. Giles' bathroom."  
  
"Right. Well, anyway, Xander was really depressed about the whole thing, and was sulking in his basement, so I thought I would offer him support, right? In a couple-y way. And I mentioned, casually of course, that I loved him."  
  
"That was the first time you'd told him?"  
  
Anya nodded. "I wanted him to know. And... and he just sat there. And didn't say anything." She looked down. "I don't think he even knows how humiliated I felt. I didn't say anything, cause it'd just make things worse, but..."  
  
"But he's still never said it, has he?"  
  
"No." Anya had her hands up against her forehead. "He's said he cares about me... and I know he finds me attractive. But I don't think he loves me."  
  
Tara went over everything she knew about Xander in her head, then answered carefully. "Anya... do you think it's possible he's still scared of you?"  
  
Anya looked up. "Scared of me? Why? I mean, I'm not even a demon anymore."  
  
"Well, what if you were offered your powers back?"  
  
Anya's eyes widened. "Take them! Are you kidding!"  
  
"And leave Xander?"  
  
"No!" Then Anya seemed to consider this. "Wait, I'd have to... but I... oh God." She stared into nothing for a moment, her eyes far away.  
  
Tara continued to make her point. "Even you aren't sure what you'd do. Think of it. He's already been in one relationship that didn't work out. What if he decided to give his heart to you, and you leave him?"  
  
Anya continued to remain silent. After a minute or so, she spoke.  
  
"I don't know. I try to think through possibilities, but I don't like any of them. If I had my powers... I don't think I'd be able to love Xander anymore."  
  
"You... you could abandon them, then. I mean... decide not to try to get them back. Even if they're offered to you."  
  
This brought another round of silence. Anya's voice sounded a little shaky. "I'm not sure I could. I mean, being a human is all right, and I have Xander now, and that's fine. But when I was a demon... it's indescribable. It was like I could do anything."  
  
After a moment, she noticed that Tara was looking a little depressed now. "Um... what is it? Don't tell me you're getting depressed because of me?"  
  
"No, that's not it," the shy blonde replied.  
  
"Oh," said Anya, sounding a little disappointed.  
  
"I spent my entire life being taught that demons were evil, despicable creatures, Anya... and that when I turned twenty, I was going to become one. I was terrified. It's just... hard for me to see the other side of things."  
  
Anya blinked. "Right, that family of yours. What losers."  
  
Tara didn't really respond to that, so Anya made a second effort. "Well, regardless of what they were trying to do, it's something you'll never have to find out about. Well, unless Willow scorns you and you're left feeling so alone and empty that you are chosen to become a vengeance demon. In which case, you'd have far more to worry about, because I'd be coming by to beat the hell out of you for stealing my gig."  
  
This time she managed to get a smile from Tara. "I'll make sure that never happens," she said.  
  
"Yeah, I can't really see D'Hoffryn recruiting you. 'Say, how'd you like to be a DEMON, little missy?' He'd be picking menstrual blood out of his hair for weeks."  
  
Now Tara was laughing outright, something she hadn't done in a long time, not even with Willow. "Anya, we really don't use that too much anymore."  
  
"Oh. I guess I should really try to keep up... I've been out of touch with lots of things since becoming human. Luckily working in the magic shop means I only have to know about thousand-year-old demons of pain."  
  
"Well," Tara ventured, "Willow and I could maybe see if you have any residual powers... maybe--" She stopped, as Anya was already shaking her head.  
  
"Not one drop of residual powers. If I'd had any, I wouldn't have had to ask your girlfriend to get back my necklace in the first place. When I was made a human, there wasn't any fooling around."  
  
"Oh." Tara was a little relieved, to be honest -- telling Willow about the invitation would be difficult to say the least.  
  
"So what *is* Willow like in bed? C'mon now, we've had the big bonding moment now, so I can get away with asking. And I'm honestly curious. Is it all just a big pure love to you? Or are fluids involved?" There was a glint in Anya's eye, and Tara noticed that the topic had been deftly veered away from love and Xander.  
  
Tara sighed and covered her face with her hands. "We make love. And it's wonderful. Willow is a fantastic lover."  
  
Anya frowned. "At least tell me if she's a real redhead."  
  
Tara made a little squeak but nodded, producing a rakish grin from the other woman.  
  
Anya then pursed her lips for a few seconds. "Hey, here's a thought. What if you *had* become a demon?"  
  
That sent a jolt through her companion. "W-what do you mean?"  
  
Anya waved her hands. "I'm just thinking. I'm not saying that you'd go back to living with those creepos. I just mean what if it had turned out that the legend was true, but you stayed here. You'd be a demon. Soulless, to be precise. Evil or no, doesn't matter. When you don't have a soul, you really don't bother to make those judgements. Take it from one who knows."  
  
Tara was startled by Anya's sudden serious turn. Where was she going with this? "I-I'd have to leave. Go. I couldn't stay here."  
  
"Why not?" Anya asked. "She'd still love you, I bet. Buffy still loved Angel, even when he went psycho and killed her friends. Xander told me. And I've seen the way you two look at each other. I betcha she'd stay with you even if you ate the brains of the entire senior class."  
  
Tara was shaking her head. "Nonono, I wouldn't do that. Not to her. I'd leave her."  
  
"Because you love her."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"But you're a soulless demon."  
  
Tara shook her head some more, trembling. "N-no, I...I--" She was startled by Anya grabbing her hand.  
  
"You aren't paying attention to things I say two minutes ago. Hypothetical. Not real. Capeesh?"  
  
"I don't understand what you're trying to say?"  
  
"I'm asking if a demon can still love someone. Doesn't have to be a vampire, can be any sort of demon. Hell, it can even be a vampire. Look at Spike."  
  
Tara blinked. "What about Spike?"  
  
"Am I the only one around here who bothers to look at people anymore? Spike's got a thing for Buffy so bad, it's almost like he glows when she walks into the room."  
  
Tara looked down. "I thought I was just imagining it. I mean, he's a vampire."  
  
"Exactly!" Anya shouted, getting them several odd looks from across the club. She continued in a lower tone. "Spike can moon over Buffy despite being a complete and total bastard, right? So demons can still love. Right?"  
  
Tara finally began to see where Anya was starting to go with this. "Right," she responded more confidently.  
  
"So if you HAD been a demon, and Willow still loved you, you'd love her, right? Not try to rip her throat out."  
  
"Absolutely," Tara said more quietly. This was something she had absolute certainty about. She'd never deliberately hurt Willow again. Ever.  
  
"And if I ever got my powers back, I'd still love Xander, right? And don't just be reassuring. Do you think I would?" Anya was flexing her fingers on the table, and Tara forced herself to think about the question, considering what she knew of Anya and Xander.  
  
"If you got your powers back with your relationship the same as it is... I think Xander might be scared for a while. But I think it'd be OK. After all, he wouldn't have done anything requiring vengeance, so I think you'd still love him, given what you say about demons and love. And I think Xander loves you... he just doesn't say it."  
  
"Why *is* that?" Anya said petulantly, though Tara's answer clearly made her feel better. "I mean, Xander talks all the time. He's constantly talking. Not as bad as, say, *your* girlfriend, but still..."  
  
Tara shook her head, smiling. "They are the same. Willow doesn't have to tell me 'I love you' all the time. It shows in what she does. When we fell in love, it was slow, and sweet. Things like holding hands... staying up all night talking. That realisation that someone loves you is a wonderful thing, Anya. And sometimes it can be incredibly subtle."  
  
"I don't do subtle."  
  
"Well, we know, Anya. You aren't good at getting in touch with the softer side of humanity. Even *you* admit that."  
  
Anya sighed. "I know. It sucks. Everyone treats me like a pariah, except Xander, and now you, and sometimes Spike."  
  
"There's not a lot we can do about that. I can't exactly tell Willow that you're really a sweet caring person provided you aren't in big groups. It's something that you have to do. And you have been."  
  
Anya blinked. "I have?"  
  
Tara nodded. "When everyone stood up for me... in the magic shop. You did too. You were a friend. And I think a year ago, you would have been like Spike, and not cared, because I wasn't Xander."  
  
"Well, they were being stupid. And I didn't care for that 'all demons are evil' schtick. And... well... I like you. I don't want you to go away."  
  
Tara smiled broadly. "Thanks, Anya. I like you too. You're a good friend."  
  
Anya sighed. "So what can I do about Xander?"  
  
Tara thought. "Have you even brought this up with him?"  
  
"Not really. Mostly we talk about the others. Or sometimes we do cute couple talk, when we're in the mood to have sex. Which is admittedly most of the time."  
  
"Maybe you should. Not only would you find out how he feels about it, but maybe it'd show him how much you care about him, that you're willing to think about those things."  
  
"Well... maybe. But what if it makes things worse?"  
  
Tara smiled. "You'd be better at it than me. I was too scared to tell Willow about my family, and so everything had to come out all in the open like that. Do you want that to happen with you and Xander?"  
  
"I'd rather not. OK, good, talk to him. That might work. And if it doesn't I can blame the whole thing on you."  
  
"What? Blame what on Tara?" The voice came from behind Anya, startling her. She turned and saw Willow standing by the table, doing her best 'I only tolerate you because Xander likes you' look. Luckily she was able to ignore that, because Xander was behind her.  
  
"Xander!" she smiled. Getting up, she proceeded to give him a long, slow, deep, passionate kiss, trying to convey every single feeling she had for him into one moment. After nearly falling over, he decided to reciprocate.  
  
"Wow..." Buffy said, walking up with Cokes. "OK, Tara, I hereby appoint you the official defuser. We thought we were going to have Little Miss Harpie when we got back."  
  
Willow stared at the still interlocked couple for a bit, until she felt a tug at her sleeve. She looked down and saw a mischievous smile.  
  
"I'll have what he's having."  
  
Willow blinked. "Can't pass that up," she said, and leaned over to kiss Tara.  
  
Buffy sighed. "And Riley picks *now* to go off and do manly things. Great." She sat at the table for a moment, drinking her Coke. When it became clear that this wasn't going to stop anytime soon, she put her palm down on the table.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
The two couples broke apart, glancing over at her.  
  
"No macking unless Buffy gets some too! New rule!"  
  
"I'm busy with Xander, you'll have to wait your turn," Anya drawled, then turned back to what she had been doing.  
  
Willow stared at Tara. "What were you two *doing*?"  
  
"Just talking... finding out stuff about each other. You'd be surprised."  
  
"Oh. I'll take your word for it."  
  
"We can kiss again if you want."  
  
"Mmmmmm, OK." And they proceeded to do so.  
  
Buffy sat staring at this with her mouth open for a few seconds. Then she quietly got up and headed for a pay phone.  
  
"Yes, Los Angeles Correctional Institute? I need to inquire about visitation rights for a certain prisoner." She glanced back over at the couples. "Hell, throw conjugal rights in there too."  
  
END 


End file.
